One Hit Wonders

Just as Vanilla Ice had Ice Ice Baby, Frankie Goes to Hollywood had Relax, and Right Said Fred had I’m Too Sexy, dating has plenty of one hit wonders.  And the whole online dating thing seems to produce more than its fair share.  When there are so many more flavors to try, there are so many more that you find you don’t like… or they don’t like you.  Either way, I have been on my fair share of first – and only – dates.  Some I was interested in pursuing further, but never got a call back.  And some I was decidedly NOT interested in seeing again.  It’s all part of the process, I suppose.  As so many keep telling me, you have to kiss a bunch of frogs… blah blah blah.  At least most of these frogs didn’t get an actual kiss.

So I tried to count how many of these one hit wonders I had encountered since joining eHarmony at the end of July last year.  I found that to be a fairly daunting task.  I have since actually started logging them in my iCalendar, you know, for future blogs.  Either that or to do an in-depth cost analysis to determine true ROI of my eHarmony membership fees.  At an average cost of $40/month, I definitely feel like it had better produce at least 2 dinners each month in order to be a truly sound investment.  As a woman, I definitely get the sweeter part of the deal.  Sorry boys, that’s just the way of the world.  I don’t make the rules, I just happily abide by them.  Damn, come to think of it, this whole online dating thing is crazy expensive for men!  Not only to they have to pay the membership fees, but then they’ve got to pay for countless dinners, drinks, games of putt putt golf, and food and wine festivals.  Ladies, let’s all be thankful chivalry isn’t completely dead.

I figured I’d share some of the most interesting one hit wonders I’ve gone out with thus far.  Like I said, an exact count was just too hard, but my closest estimation puts the number somewhere around 18.  Good Lord.  18 different people and not a one was compatible enough for a second date.  Are they sure they are truly matching people based on 24 levels of compatibility?  Eh, different strokes for different folks, I suppose.  I like to think of it like job interviews.  You can’t get enough practice, right?  So here are some of the frogs I’ve had the opportunity to practice this game of dating with thus far…

John, 40, Windermere –12/11, Dinner at Season’s 52.  John was a commercial airline pilot, which was pretty cool.  We had fairly boring email communication prior to actually meeting, so I wasn’t all that jazzed about him to begin with.  But, when we exchanged numbers and actually spoke on the phone, we were talking for like 5 hours!  We never had a lull in conversation, laughed a lot, and got along very well.  So we met for dinner at Season’s (he made reservations – good job on his part) and had a good time chatting the evening away.  It was definitely quite apparent that we weren’t at a loss for good conversation topics at the very least.  Although, at one point I just started laughing mid-sentence as we had somehow gotten on the topic of toilets.  I started cracking up and said to him “Um, I just realized that we are actually sitting here in a fairly nice restaurant with mood lighting and a bottle of wine, on a FIRST date, and we’re discussing the rousing topic of toilets.”  Yeah… so that happened.  I think it all came about because he asked me about my house, so I had to tell him about the whole ‘rehab of the foreclosed home’ thing.  Somehow that parlayed into further conversation about home improvements, which eventually turned to toilets.  At the time it seemed fine, but looking back I now realize that it makes complete sense that that was our first and last date.  Not that it was anyone’s fault that we were sitting there discussing toilets for 30 minutes, it was just pretty obvious that we didn’t have that romantic chemistry going on.  So at the end of our rendezvous, he walked me to my car, gave me a hug and an awkward kiss-type noise kind of on the side of my head (I say ‘kiss-type noise’ because it never actually landed anywhere on my face, I just heard the “muah” noise in my right ear), and that was pretty much the end of that.

Ray, 29, Orlando – 1/12, drinks and a flatbread at Eola Wine Company.  So this guy was interesting.  Good emails back and forth on eHarmony (he hates the Guided Communication, so he requested to skip that altogether), but when we finally got to the point of exchanging numbers, it was like he dropped off the planet.  It was at least a week and a half if not two weeks after our last email correspondence before he actually texted me.  Plus, the texts were still few and far between.  So I was wondering what his deal was, if he was actually interested in getting together sometime, or if some other chick had come into the picture and forced me out.  But eventually, he asked me out.  He was funny too…  essentially surveyed my likes and dislikes as far as bars/restaurants go and then picked a place.  I beat him there, which was a first for me.  He did text ahead of time though, letting me know he got stuck with the boss at work and would be about 15 minutes late.  I was about 5 minutes late anyway (as the woman should generally be about 5 minutes late to a first date), so it wasn’t a big deal.  And he did arrive right at 7:15 on the dot, exactly 15 minutes.  I thought we had a very pleasant time.  We definitely had plenty to talk about, and found out that we actually have a mutual acquaintance!  A guy from his fraternity at UCF used to work with me at my first job out of college.  Small world, right??  Plus, he has a cleaning lady that is super cheap and he says she does a wonderful job, so I was able to score her contact info.  I’ve been thinking I need a cleaning lady myself, and at the price he’s paying, it would be well worth it!  So at least there’s that.  I left unsure of whether he’d call again or not.  He said “Talk to you soon!” when we left, but my sixth sense didn’t really kick in.  So I figure it could have gone either way, which was fine.  He was definitely a likeable guy, a little on the short side (just about my height with my heels on), but well dressed with a cute smile and a great career in real estate.  So it was one of those “Eh, I’m not gonna lose sleep if I don’t hear back, but I’d go out with him again if he asks.”  Good thing I wasn’t gonna lose sleep!

Mitchell, 26, Winter Park – 10/11, dinner at Spice.  As crazy as this is about to sound, I don’t think I was smart enough for this one.  For those of you that know me well, that took a LOT for me to actually type.  For those of you that don’t know me all that well, bottom line, I think I’m pretty damn smart.  I know I’m no Einstein, but one thing I have always been confident about is my intelligence.  Mitchell, however, had me beat in this department.  And not just your regular run of the mill “smarts” either.  This one had emotional intelligence the likes of which I have honestly never seen.  This made me wonder if he was actually human, or if I had encountered some sort of mythical creature, considering his Y chromosome.  Oh c’mon now guys, no offence meant.  You know the whole emotional intelligence thing is usually our department!  We made it through the Guided Communication, and exchanged probably the best emails I’ve exchanged with any prospect, to this day.  When exchanging emails on eHarmony, you’re limited to 8000 characters.  We both found ourselves butting right up against that limit at no less than 7500 characters each email.  He fascinated me.  He was brutally honest, had nothing to hide, and asked the most creative “getting to know you” questions I’ve ever been asked, even since.  I mean, how often does someone inquire, “If you could create a piece of art that described your life right now, what would it look like?  And what would your medium be?”  What would your MEDIUM BE?!?!  How amazing is that??  Most just ask things like “So how long have you been a Corporate Trainer?  Do you travel a lot?”  Or “Do you come from a big family, do you have brothers and sisters?”  I absolutely do feel that questions such as those have their merits, it’s all part of learning more about someone.  But Mitchell displayed a level of intricacy that I had never seen in a man, let alone in a man under 30.  So I was super excited for our date.  I thought it went pretty darn well!  We talked and talked at dinner, and afterwards walked around Lake Eola and talked some more.  He was a staunch Democrat who loved John Stuart, right up my alley!!  And he truly, even at age 26, had his stuff together.  He was well into a fantastic career as an engineer, already had completed his Masters degree, and bought his own home a couple of years ago.  Family was extremely important to him, and he was a practicing Buddhist. (I’m not Buddhist or anything, I just don’t know how well a, let’s say, Morman, or perhaps Jehovah’s Witness and I would get along.)  All signs definitely pointed to YES!  Well, for me, anyway.  Apparently the date was, for him, like the food at Spice… Lackluster.   Yeah, for those of you that are local, Spice is a HUGE letdown.  I think the one on Park Ave actually just closed, come to think of it…  but I digress.  Bottom line, his watercolor on canvas picture of life did not include a 30 year old sharp tongued corporate trainer/Zumba instructor.  Back to the drawing board, so to speak.

Chuck, 26, Ocoee – 2/12, dinner at Outback.  Yeah…  that kinda says it all right there, right?  This one intrigued me over email though.  He loved the theatre.  Again, somewhat of an anomaly amongst males.  But I thought that would have been so cool!  To date a guy who actually loves Broadway shows!  And this one REALLY loved them, he had an internship working on Wicked on Broadway.  Wicked happens to be one of my favorites.  He was a pyrotechnician for Disney, not necessarily a glamorous career, but pretty neat in its own right.  We spoke a number of times on the phone, and I could tell he had a bit of a nerdy side.  I was willing to accept a bit of nerd though, especially if it could result in awesome trips to NYC to see show after show after show.  What I wasn’t prepared for was how extreme this level of “dork” was in person.  Wow.  Bless his heart (see previous post regarding how all shit-talking is acceptable when either followed or preceded by “Bless their heart”), but he had khakis that were not only belted a few inches higher than his actual waistline, but I’m pretty sure they were about an inch and a half higher than the top of his shoes too.  That, paired with the tucked in, short sleeved, green checked button down shirt should have been my first clue that I was in for an interesting night. 

When I’m out at restaurants with friends or family, and I see couples that appear to be on a date, I love to play a little game my dad and I aptly named “What’s their deal?”  You try to figure out just that, what their deal is.  Is this a first date?  Are they married, out for the first night they’ve had away from the kids in years?  Are they in a comfortable relationship, but not so comfortable that they ignore each other and stare at their smartphones all night?  Well suffice it to say, if anyone at the Outback Steakhouse on SR 434 in Altamonte would have been playing “What’s their deal?” the night that Chuck and I were out would have easily nailed it – First date, met through eHarmony, he’s talking about Star Wars and she’s contemplating becoming a lesbian if all the single men left in the world are anything like this.  It had to have been blatantly obvious.  So there went my hopes of possibly clicking with a fellow theatre buff.  It was probably for the best, he was Rogers & Hammerstein, I’m much more Sondheim.

Robert, 34, Orlando – 4/12, dinner at Luma.  I think I got caught up in the possibility that I unintentionally projected onto this guy.  He was an attorney, but at a small firm that generally specialized in corporate affairs.  Mergers and acquisitions, stuff like that.  He was involved in politics, attended different parties and fundraisers pretty regularly.  And he lived in Baldwin Park (a fairly upscale neighborhood near downtown Orlando).  I couldn’t get the idea of being arm candy on the social circuit out of my head.  Honestly, I’m fantastic at parties.  I can match wits with the best of them, I’m just cute enough that the men like me, but not nearly hot enough to worry the wives.  And as I stated earlier, I’m pretty confident about my intelligence.  I can hold a conversation on a number of topics from pop culture and current events, to wine, politics, even technology’s effect on the business landscape today.  That last one can definitely be contributed to my employment with a telecommunications/internet service provider.  When in doubt, go with what ya know, right?  So even though Robert’s profile picture resembled that of a cast member from The Lord of the Rings (and I’m not talking about Gandolf here, or the character played by Orlando Bloom…), the other pics he had posted looked fairly normal.  And he was well written, and obviously bright.  I figured, everyone has taken a bad picture in their lifetime!  So we met for dinner, and at a great restaurant too, but I was met with more than just Robert.  I was met with disappointment.  The best adjective I can use to describe this guy is ‘small’.  There’s no way he was taller than 5’7”.  In my standard 3” heels I had at least 2” on him.  Strike number one.  I’m pretty sure he also had the build of a 14 year old boy.  One that was involved in the AV club too, not one that played pee-wee football.  I very well may have had at least 60 lbs on this guy, and it’s not like I’m a huge bitch.  Okay, so if Robert were ever to read this, he’d probably call me a “huge bitch”…  but I was referring more to stature than demeanor there.  I just can’t be with someone smaller than me!  I’m self conscious enough about my appearance (I’m a chick, we’re ALL that way), the last thing I need is to stand next to a guy who makes me look bigger.  Besides, there’s no way that dude could have picked me up and thrown me onto the bed in the heated throws of passion.  Not like crazy, hanging from the chandeliers monkey sex is the most important aspect of a successful relationship…  but you never want to eliminate it as a possibility right from the get-go!

So as you can see, sometimes 24 levels of compatibility don’t end up being spot on 100% of the time.  I do have to wonder though, if they are better than just scanning all profiles of available singles in the Orlando metro area and choosing based on looks.  ‘Cause c’mon now, we all know that’s how it would be…a la Match.com.  OR is the likelihood of meeting “the one” higher with the help of 24 levels of compatibility than it is out in the bars or through friends of coworkers you get set up with.  For me, the jury is obviously still out.  But I hope you enjoyed a small sampling of my versions of Sir Mix A Lot’s Baby Got Back, Soft Cell’s Tainted Love, and probably most fittingly, Meredith Brooks’ Bitch.