A Male Perspective - Guest Blogger, Eric

My name is Eric. I’m a 32 year old single guy who, like Megan, is trying to make it in a couples’ world.  I’ve been up and down and over and out, and still have yet to find that special someone who makes my heart flutter and sends chills down my spine.

This is my first attempt at blogging, and am only doing so because Megan and I were discussing some of our online dating adventures, and let’s just say mine are…well….a little out there.  I’ve met some great people and made some good friends, but I’ve also been at the other end of the spectrum.  Some of my experiences have been incredulous and left me wondering how humanity will move forward with these people in our gene pool.

That sounds harsh, thinking about it.  There is someone for everyone.  I just haven’t met my “penguin”.  She has to be out there, right?  So I am going to give you a little bit of the male insight and how my experiences in the online dating world have shaped both my view of the opposite sex, and made me realize that the road to love is incredibly long and filled with speed bumps and pot holes.

First off, a little backstory on me.  You already know my name, Eric, and that I’m 32.  I’m also single,
never married, and no kids (well…that I know of!).  Just kidding about that last part!!  I’ve watched all my friends grow up, do the adult thing, get married, buy a house, have kids and get a dog.  This is awesome and I’m glad they’re happy.  But part of me knows that some of my friends “settled”.  And I don’t ever want to settle.  I’d rather be alone for the rest of my life than come home to a person I don’t want to be with.

I definitely don’t want to grow old alone and someday sit in a retirement home, playing bingo or shuffle board and wonder where it all went wrong.  So that, coupled with my hectic life and work schedule, made me consider online dating.  I will say that unlike Megan, I am no longer on a pay site.  I tried those, and have had about the same level of success as I do on the free ones.  But like everything else, your mileage may vary.

So now I am a casual Plenty of Fish and Ok Cupid user.  These are my free sites, and the old adage “you get what you pay for” definitely applies in some cases.  It’s so crazy how online dating works.  Instead of having to go up to a random girl in a bar or other area, gathering up courage, trying to think of a witty line, and hope that you don’t get rejected or the girl worships Satan, we now get to browse for members  of the other sex in pretty much the same fashion as if you were buying a TV on Amazon.  I just wish that like on Amazon, there was a review section from other customers.

Customer Jim from Iowa – “Jenny was really a lovely girl and had eyes that could light up a room.  She told me she had kids, which is awesome, because I love kids too!  But then I found out she had four kids, all different fathers, and hadn’t held down a steady job since Clinton was in office.  Also, her lack of transportation, probably due to her drug habit, was a bit of a concern as well.  All in all, a good person with a great heart, but not for me”.  And then behind this we have stars showing the rating of the date.  I picture Jim giving Jenny 2.5 out of 5 stars.

I assume other online daters do what I do.  Obviously we glance at the photos first.  There has to be a physical attraction.  As great as your personality may be, or how much money you make, or how many kids you’ve adopted from third world countries is not going to change that I don’t want to be staring at a female version of Quasimodo across the dinner table.  I know that sounds shallow, but deep down we all know it’s true.  Then we read the profile and see if we have any common interests.

Some immediate disqualifiers are:  If you type all in caps (why are you shouting at me?), people who say they don’t want drama - who always seem to be the most drama filled ones, and people wHo TyPe LiKe dIS.  I mean..you’re 28 and you still type like you’re a sophomore in high school?  C’mon people, get it together.

So then we send a message to a girl we think we could have something in common with, and hope she replies back.  I learned long ago that a lot of girls don’t message back, so I stopped crafting personalized messages.  Now I have a standard copy and paste message, and then I add in one or two sentences about how I liked something in their profile or how amazing the picture of them posing with a plate of spaghetti at Olive Garden was.

Then we trade some emails, then we move to text, and eventually to a phone conversation. This is sort of like applying to a job and the first hurdle after your resume (profile) is accepted.  You can weed a lot of people out this way.  People who sound amazing in their profile suddenly cannot hold a conversation to save their life.  Also, sometimes we have differing viewpoints and that’s a deal breaker.  It happens. But if all systems are a go, it’s time to meet for a real life encounter.

In the online dating system, the people are represented by two separate yet equally important groups: the men, who investigate profiles; and the women, who have their pick of the litter. These are my stories.

Now imagine the Law&Order gong going off – Bum BUM!

Melissa, 27, Oviedo – I met Melissa on OkCupid.  I’m a sucker for brunettes, and she was a stunningly beautiful woman and a teacher to boot.  I thought…wow...a teacher.  She must be ok, people trust her with their children!  This is a can’t miss! I asked her where she wanted to meet, she said ultra casual, and we wound up at the Chili’s in Oviedo.

We did the awkward handshake/half hug deal, and then went inside.  Now, a typical date should be a bit of back and forth.  I ask you a question, you answer, then you ask me one, etc etc.  We’re feeling each other out and getting to know each other.  The only question I got asked during this whole ordeal was “can you pass the ketchup” when we had finally gotten our meals.  She was a non-stop, 100mph speed talker and I couldn’t get a word in anywhere.  It was like having a one sided conversation with an auctioneer,  all she cared about was their Beanie Baby collection and how she hated the kids in her classroom.

But the fate of our date was sealed over dinner.  She ordered chicken crispers, which are huge chicken tenders smothered in sauce.  As anyone who has ordered these knows, the only real way to eat these is with a knife and fork.

Not Melissa.  She dug in, grabbed that crisper like it stole something, and gnawed off the neck clean.  If you’ve ever tuned into the National Geographic channel and have seen a bear snatching salmon out of the river, it looked sort of like that.  The ferociousness of her attack left me stunned.  Even more stunning was the fact that her bite caused all the sauce to spray all over her shirt. But she didn’t miss a beat.  At this point, other diners in the booth next to me, in addition to our waitress, have figured out this is a first date.  We lock eyes, and I sense the pity they have for me.  The husband at the next table over shoots me a look that screams “ABORT!”  I was thinking the same thing sir. I wave for the check, make casual small talk, and high tail it out of there.

Annie, 30, Ocoee -  Annie was another girl I had spoken to off of Ok Cupid.  She was blonde, long curly hair (which I love) and told me she was in marketing.  I felt a good vibe on the phone, and dinner was great too.  We went to Hue in Thornton Park.  I love the atmosphere there and people watching on the patio.  It was going great, and I actually allowed myself to think I had found a decent person.  She then excused herself and went to the bathroom.

At the 10 minute mark, I started to wonder…hmmm….seems to be quite a long trip.  But you know, maybe she’s freshening up.  At the 15 minute mark, I say to myself, ok, this is ridiculous, she obviously bailed and left me here.  So I flag down the waiter, ask him for the check.  He brings it out, I give him my card and am waiting to sign my slip so I can get out of there.

Low and behold, here comes Annie.  It’s been about 20 minutes or so, and she makes no mention of why she’s been gone so long.  I look at her quizzically, hoping she’ll divulge some info.  But no, she sits there smiling.  Except now, she’s sniffling.  A lot.  I’m puzzled by this, and then I have to tell her that her nose is bleeding!  She grabs a napkin and blots her nose. This is bizarre.  I mean, I’ve seen random nosebleeds before, but something tells me it’s more than that.

She eventually confesses that she went to the bathroom for a “pick me up”.  Awesome.  Had I known you were having cocaine with your dinner we probably could have skipped the appetizer.  You know, I’ve seen enough in my life that a person doing coke doesn’t really faze me.  I was more impressed with her being gone 20 minutes.  I just kept picturing a Scarface Tony Montana-esque mound of coke in the ladies room and her whole face being powder white.  Sigh.  Another one bites the dust…and sniffs it.

Amber, 29, Altamonte -  I met Amber on Plenty of Fish.  Another brunette who told me she had been divorced about a year and was just getting back out there again.  We were thinking of places to meet up, and she decided she wanted to go to Bahama Breeze.  When I met her, it wasn’t just her.  It was her and her kids.  Two of them. Ages 11 and 8.  Hmm…nowhere in any of our emails, messages, phone conversations, did she ever mention kids.  We even talked about us both not having kids.  As I saw her walking across the parking lot, I pulled up her profile on my phone and looked at it.  Under the kids questions, it was definitely a no.  Was I imagining things?  She must have sensed my hesitation, which to be fair, would be expected, and told her kids to hang back for a second.

She told me that she didn’t want to mention her kids because she thought I may not like her and that she had hoped I would just accept it because she’s a great person.  I cannot start anything off based on a lie.  Besides…who the hell brings young kids like that to a first date??  I could be a crazy axe murderer and you’re already introducing me to your kids?

I felt bad for the kids more than anything.  I mean, they are probably having a hard enough time with their parents being divorced and now Mom is dragging them out to meet guys?  Definitely not the kind of woman I’m looking for.  I totally get that you may not have a babysitter or something, but we can always reschedule.  So that one ended before it began.

Cindy, 30, Altamonte – Cindy was one my shorter dates. I blame myself really. This was when I was still an online dating newb. This date actually helped prevent similar ones like it, because I now know some of the smoke signals to watch out for on profiles.

To all of you would-be online daters out there, the number 1 rule is…get a body shot!  If it’s headshots only, you’re in for a rude awakening.  I don’t care what you look like, but please represent yourself accurately.  Cindy had only headshots, and in none of them was she smiling.  But she was an excellent texter and could hold great conversation.  So I didn’t think too much of it when she texted “Elephant Bar.  Happy hour at 9.  Drinks?”  Sure!

I met Cindy outside. While she had listed “average” as her body type, it was anything but.  She was a good 70-80 lbs overweight.  I’ve dated a bigger girl before, size is not the issue, but once again, don’t mislead me.  The real killer was her smile.  I get it, not all of us have perfect teeth and dental work costs more than a new car.  Humans have what, 32 teeth?  I’d say Cindy maybe had about 17.  And the ones she did have looked like one of those anti-drug campaigns that highlighted meth mouth.  They were crooked, jagged, discolored and chipped.  It literally looked like a stick of dynamite exploded in her mouth.

I felt bad for her, I really did. But there was no way we were connecting.  And as much as I wanted to have some ½ price appetizers and drinks at Elephant Bar, I just knew that I would be misleading her as to my intentions or any hope for anything to materialize.

These are just some of the more memorable ones.  I’ve had quite a few other ones that were pretty out there.  But don’t get discouraged if you’re also contemplating online dating, I’ve met a few great ones and we just didn’t click romantically.  I hope you’ve enjoyed reading some of my experiences and if anything, can laugh at my misfortunes.  Thanks to Megan for letting me take over her blog for a day!