The Groucho Marx Philosophy

Firefighter – Out.  Financial Analyst – In.  Well, at least he was… on a trial basis.  Oddly enough, just as the firefighter decided to go on hiatus, a prospect I hadn’t heard from in about a month reappeared.  Brad, 32, Orlando and I had made it to the whole “email” phase of the eHarmony Guided Communication, and I had originally thought things were actually going pretty well.  But then one day he just stopped replying.  We had exchanged a couple emails each, and then POOF.  No more contact.  I had chalked this up to the standard disappearing act that I have seen with so many other matches.  But then he reappeared.  The timing couldn’t have been better.  He expressed sincere apologies for the lag in communication, explaining things got crazy busy at work, and in addition his ex had given him the opportunity to spend extra time with his 4 year old daughter so he took it.  I still have a sneaking suspicion that perhaps the real reason was that he had been seeing someone, which is perfectly acceptable.  We hadn’t even met.  But if he wanted to roll with the work/daughter excuse, I’d go along.  So we picked up where we had left off, and exchanged more emails.

Eventually, as these things tend to go when they’re going well, we made it to the point of exchanging phone numbers.  As I’ve said in the past, men these days are texters, phone calls are so 2008.  So we began a new mode of ‘getting to know you’ – texts as opposed to emails.  I learned more about his work, about his daughter¸ about favorite movies and TV shows.  It was going quite well!  So when he asked to meet me for drinks, I gladly accepted.  So we had drinks.  He was sweet.  Definitely one of those complimentary guys who would probably kiss my feet and worship the ground I walk on.  At one point, he had to excuse himself to use the men’s room (3 beers will do that to a man, ya know) and said “I have to use the restroom…  but I really don’t want to leave this table.”  Awwwww!  Is that adorable, or is that adorable?  I think the “I can’t believe you are still single, you’re absolutely gorgeous,” comment came about an hour later.  He was a cute guy.  Not hot, really.  But cute.  And sweet!  The conversation wasn’t exactly free-flowing like the Thames, but I got the distinct impression I made him nervous somehow.  He had succeeded in making me blush, a couple of times.  I figured that was at least worth a second date.

So we continued our text conversations, and he asked me out for a second date – to play mini-golf, with dinner before hand.  Again, the conversation seemed forced to me, and I noticed a new problem.  I barrel over him in conversation.  He was so quiet, literally!  Not the kind of quiet where a person doesn’t say much.  The kind of quiet where you just can’t hear someone when they are speaking.  I’m pretty sure he tried to pay me a compliment at some point, but I couldn’t hear him as we both started to speak at the same time.  Gee, guess whose voice won that one?  (Oh yeah, for those of you I haven’t met, I’m a little bit loud.  I’m sure you’re all shocked and surprised.)  At the end of this second date, after I had won one round of putt-putt and he had won the other, he drove me back to my car.  I leaned in to give him a thank-you kiss on the cheek and he all of a sudden grew some balls that I was previously sure did not exist and full-on kissed me!  Again, he had managed to convince me that another attempt was worth it.  Which was probably good, he had sort of pre-planned date three before we went out on date two.  He invited me to go to a food and wine festival downtown the weekend after.  I had accepted, figuring if date #2 didn’t go well, he could more than likely sell the extra ticket to a friend.  Or just tank it, the tickets were only $10 a piece anyway.

Fast forward a few days to this food and wine festival.  I was actually pretty excited!  It sounded like a fun event, it was a seemingly nice day, and I was definitely quite impressed with his date idea creativity!  Unfortunately, the day turned into kind of a bust.  I so wanted to like this guy!  I did!!!  But when it’s not there, it’s just not there.  And it just wasn’t there.  Not only was our conversation and chemistry lacking, but the food and wine festival was small, and about an hour and a half in it started to pour.  I think perhaps the Universe was trying to tell me something…  By the time he dropped me off, I knew that was pretty much going to be it.  I could tell the poor guy wanted me to invite him in, it was only 7pm, after all.  But I just wasn’t into it.  The more I thought about it, the more I realized there just wasn’t a point in continuing to try and feel something for this one.  That’s just not fair to anyone.  I wanted to like him, he was so sweet and so doting, it would have been great to be worshipped.  But I couldn’t force it.  Oh and did I mention that on the way to said food and wine festival we drove right by the firefighter’s house and I couldn’t help but scope it to see if his car was there?  Technically twice, on the way there and on the way home?  Oh yeah, there’s that.

Groucho Marx was once quoted as saying “I don’t care to belong to a club that accepts people like me as members.”  Could this be our problem as women?  We’re not interested in the men who really want us, but we can’t help but scope the houses of the ones who don’t?  Why do we so desperately want to be members of the clubs who don’t want us?  For example, I’m not ridiculous enough to chase down the men I’ve been really interested in pursuing a real relationship with.  After all, I’m a girl, and boys are supposed to chase me.  But just because I have far too much dignity to do the actual chasing doesn’t mean I don’t secretly hope they change their minds at some point and come calling again.  Take Alan, 34, Lake Mary for example.  He was adorable!  I thought we really hit it off, but after date #3, he was no more.  Or should I say, I was no more to him.  But that’s not to say I wouldn’t be pretty damn stoked if all of a sudden he showed up out of nowhere and asked me out again.  Now would I accept?  I dunno.  Depends on how well he asked.  But just to HAVE the opportunity to shoot them down is far better for one’s self esteem than simply being “no more”!!  Did I summon every last drop of restraint in order to NOT reply to the firefighter’s text about Peyton and “the donkeys” (Asshole)?  YES.  But would I kinda like him to call, begging and pleading for forgiveness of his bad behavior, and tell me how he’s realized how amazing I am?  Yep.  So is this just our destiny as women?  Will we continue, until the end of time, to always want the ones who don’t want us?  Ladies, how many times have you cried and pined for that guy who won’t call you back?  And how many times have you shunned the sweet, somewhat nerdy guy who offered you the world?  The grass is always greener on the other side.  But does it have to be?  Do we have to perpetuate this Groucho Marx Philosophy? 

Now in my defense, I don’t think that I “shunned” the Financial Analyst just because he seemed to like me so much.  Even with said Groucho Marx Philosophy considered, he bored the shit out of me.  It wasn’t his fault!  We just didn’t have a whole lot to talk to about.  Like I said, I wanted to like him, I really did!  But a personality that just isn’t matched well with mine is one thing I certainly cannot overlook.  Quiet, subservient, and boring just aren’t my style.  AKA – You really can’t bore the shit outta me, no matter how many times you compliment me.  So the question I recently posed to my Facebook friends and Twitter followers was “So at what point do I owe you an explanation of why I'm not really interested in seeing you again? Can I just stop replying to texts altogether after date #3 if I'm just not feelin' it?”  I got mixed responses.  Some said just tell him how I’m feeling, others said that 3 dates doesn’t deem any kind of explanation necessary.  I know, I know.  I’m the one who complains about guys who fall off the face of the planet and now I’m looking to do it to someone else.  But hey, maybe that’s the socially accepted behavior in this whole “dating” world.  Shoot, it’s been almost 9 months of ‘Dating As If It Were a Competitive Sport’ for me and I still have no freakin’ idea what I’m doing. 

Now do the rules change if homeboy has the potential of becoming a Stage 5 Clinger??  I think the sweet ones generally do have that potential.  Now sometimes this is good…  If Brad Pitt were sweet, and a Stage 5 Clinger, but still Brad Pitt, I’d take it!  The thing about the sweet ones is they don’t play by the rules.  They’ll text whenever they feel like it, regardless of who texted last.  They’ll show all their cards up front, no poker face.  What’s really screwed up is that us women whine about all the games and the rules, then when someone disregards them, it freaks us out.  Go figure.  But for all my male readers out there…  we reserve the right to be elusive and change our minds, DAMMIT!!!  So I did what I (and a number of chastising friends) thought was the right thing to do.  I let him know that I just wasn’t feeling that spark, that chemistry.  I told him that he was so sweet, and I was very appreciative of everything, but I’m just not the girl for him.  And this is what I get in response: “But why?  What went wrong?  I feel totally blindsided here!”  Uh, yeah…  maybe not a Stage 5 Clinger, but at least a Stage 4.  Bless his heart.  (when you talk shit about someone and then say “Bless their heart”, it makes your shit-talking totally okay)  I told him I was sorry, and that he will undoubtedly find a great woman who he will make very happy, but I just wasn’t that woman.

So another one bites the dust.  But I suppose it’s all part of the process, right?  I mean, I’ve at least met way more people than I had without the whole online dating aspect working for me.  And the more exposure one gets, the more likely one is to land her dream man, right??  Watch…  one day he’ll appear completely out of nowhere and I will have wasted hundreds of dollars on eHarmony.  But I suppose I’m learning a lot… and there’s always something to be said for the experience.  As always, thanks to you all for coming on this journey with me!