A Male Perspective - Guest Blogger, Eric

My name is Eric. I’m a 32 year old single guy who, like Megan, is trying to make it in a couples’ world.  I’ve been up and down and over and out, and still have yet to find that special someone who makes my heart flutter and sends chills down my spine.

This is my first attempt at blogging, and am only doing so because Megan and I were discussing some of our online dating adventures, and let’s just say mine are…well….a little out there.  I’ve met some great people and made some good friends, but I’ve also been at the other end of the spectrum.  Some of my experiences have been incredulous and left me wondering how humanity will move forward with these people in our gene pool.

That sounds harsh, thinking about it.  There is someone for everyone.  I just haven’t met my “penguin”.  She has to be out there, right?  So I am going to give you a little bit of the male insight and how my experiences in the online dating world have shaped both my view of the opposite sex, and made me realize that the road to love is incredibly long and filled with speed bumps and pot holes.

First off, a little backstory on me.  You already know my name, Eric, and that I’m 32.  I’m also single,
never married, and no kids (well…that I know of!).  Just kidding about that last part!!  I’ve watched all my friends grow up, do the adult thing, get married, buy a house, have kids and get a dog.  This is awesome and I’m glad they’re happy.  But part of me knows that some of my friends “settled”.  And I don’t ever want to settle.  I’d rather be alone for the rest of my life than come home to a person I don’t want to be with.

I definitely don’t want to grow old alone and someday sit in a retirement home, playing bingo or shuffle board and wonder where it all went wrong.  So that, coupled with my hectic life and work schedule, made me consider online dating.  I will say that unlike Megan, I am no longer on a pay site.  I tried those, and have had about the same level of success as I do on the free ones.  But like everything else, your mileage may vary.

So now I am a casual Plenty of Fish and Ok Cupid user.  These are my free sites, and the old adage “you get what you pay for” definitely applies in some cases.  It’s so crazy how online dating works.  Instead of having to go up to a random girl in a bar or other area, gathering up courage, trying to think of a witty line, and hope that you don’t get rejected or the girl worships Satan, we now get to browse for members  of the other sex in pretty much the same fashion as if you were buying a TV on Amazon.  I just wish that like on Amazon, there was a review section from other customers.

Customer Jim from Iowa – “Jenny was really a lovely girl and had eyes that could light up a room.  She told me she had kids, which is awesome, because I love kids too!  But then I found out she had four kids, all different fathers, and hadn’t held down a steady job since Clinton was in office.  Also, her lack of transportation, probably due to her drug habit, was a bit of a concern as well.  All in all, a good person with a great heart, but not for me”.  And then behind this we have stars showing the rating of the date.  I picture Jim giving Jenny 2.5 out of 5 stars.

I assume other online daters do what I do.  Obviously we glance at the photos first.  There has to be a physical attraction.  As great as your personality may be, or how much money you make, or how many kids you’ve adopted from third world countries is not going to change that I don’t want to be staring at a female version of Quasimodo across the dinner table.  I know that sounds shallow, but deep down we all know it’s true.  Then we read the profile and see if we have any common interests.

Some immediate disqualifiers are:  If you type all in caps (why are you shouting at me?), people who say they don’t want drama - who always seem to be the most drama filled ones, and people wHo TyPe LiKe dIS.  I mean..you’re 28 and you still type like you’re a sophomore in high school?  C’mon people, get it together.

So then we send a message to a girl we think we could have something in common with, and hope she replies back.  I learned long ago that a lot of girls don’t message back, so I stopped crafting personalized messages.  Now I have a standard copy and paste message, and then I add in one or two sentences about how I liked something in their profile or how amazing the picture of them posing with a plate of spaghetti at Olive Garden was.

Then we trade some emails, then we move to text, and eventually to a phone conversation. This is sort of like applying to a job and the first hurdle after your resume (profile) is accepted.  You can weed a lot of people out this way.  People who sound amazing in their profile suddenly cannot hold a conversation to save their life.  Also, sometimes we have differing viewpoints and that’s a deal breaker.  It happens. But if all systems are a go, it’s time to meet for a real life encounter.

In the online dating system, the people are represented by two separate yet equally important groups: the men, who investigate profiles; and the women, who have their pick of the litter. These are my stories.

Now imagine the Law&Order gong going off – Bum BUM!

Melissa, 27, Oviedo – I met Melissa on OkCupid.  I’m a sucker for brunettes, and she was a stunningly beautiful woman and a teacher to boot.  I thought…wow...a teacher.  She must be ok, people trust her with their children!  This is a can’t miss! I asked her where she wanted to meet, she said ultra casual, and we wound up at the Chili’s in Oviedo.

We did the awkward handshake/half hug deal, and then went inside.  Now, a typical date should be a bit of back and forth.  I ask you a question, you answer, then you ask me one, etc etc.  We’re feeling each other out and getting to know each other.  The only question I got asked during this whole ordeal was “can you pass the ketchup” when we had finally gotten our meals.  She was a non-stop, 100mph speed talker and I couldn’t get a word in anywhere.  It was like having a one sided conversation with an auctioneer,  all she cared about was their Beanie Baby collection and how she hated the kids in her classroom.

But the fate of our date was sealed over dinner.  She ordered chicken crispers, which are huge chicken tenders smothered in sauce.  As anyone who has ordered these knows, the only real way to eat these is with a knife and fork.

Not Melissa.  She dug in, grabbed that crisper like it stole something, and gnawed off the neck clean.  If you’ve ever tuned into the National Geographic channel and have seen a bear snatching salmon out of the river, it looked sort of like that.  The ferociousness of her attack left me stunned.  Even more stunning was the fact that her bite caused all the sauce to spray all over her shirt. But she didn’t miss a beat.  At this point, other diners in the booth next to me, in addition to our waitress, have figured out this is a first date.  We lock eyes, and I sense the pity they have for me.  The husband at the next table over shoots me a look that screams “ABORT!”  I was thinking the same thing sir. I wave for the check, make casual small talk, and high tail it out of there.

Annie, 30, Ocoee -  Annie was another girl I had spoken to off of Ok Cupid.  She was blonde, long curly hair (which I love) and told me she was in marketing.  I felt a good vibe on the phone, and dinner was great too.  We went to Hue in Thornton Park.  I love the atmosphere there and people watching on the patio.  It was going great, and I actually allowed myself to think I had found a decent person.  She then excused herself and went to the bathroom.

At the 10 minute mark, I started to wonder…hmmm….seems to be quite a long trip.  But you know, maybe she’s freshening up.  At the 15 minute mark, I say to myself, ok, this is ridiculous, she obviously bailed and left me here.  So I flag down the waiter, ask him for the check.  He brings it out, I give him my card and am waiting to sign my slip so I can get out of there.

Low and behold, here comes Annie.  It’s been about 20 minutes or so, and she makes no mention of why she’s been gone so long.  I look at her quizzically, hoping she’ll divulge some info.  But no, she sits there smiling.  Except now, she’s sniffling.  A lot.  I’m puzzled by this, and then I have to tell her that her nose is bleeding!  She grabs a napkin and blots her nose. This is bizarre.  I mean, I’ve seen random nosebleeds before, but something tells me it’s more than that.

She eventually confesses that she went to the bathroom for a “pick me up”.  Awesome.  Had I known you were having cocaine with your dinner we probably could have skipped the appetizer.  You know, I’ve seen enough in my life that a person doing coke doesn’t really faze me.  I was more impressed with her being gone 20 minutes.  I just kept picturing a Scarface Tony Montana-esque mound of coke in the ladies room and her whole face being powder white.  Sigh.  Another one bites the dust…and sniffs it.

Amber, 29, Altamonte -  I met Amber on Plenty of Fish.  Another brunette who told me she had been divorced about a year and was just getting back out there again.  We were thinking of places to meet up, and she decided she wanted to go to Bahama Breeze.  When I met her, it wasn’t just her.  It was her and her kids.  Two of them. Ages 11 and 8.  Hmm…nowhere in any of our emails, messages, phone conversations, did she ever mention kids.  We even talked about us both not having kids.  As I saw her walking across the parking lot, I pulled up her profile on my phone and looked at it.  Under the kids questions, it was definitely a no.  Was I imagining things?  She must have sensed my hesitation, which to be fair, would be expected, and told her kids to hang back for a second.

She told me that she didn’t want to mention her kids because she thought I may not like her and that she had hoped I would just accept it because she’s a great person.  I cannot start anything off based on a lie.  Besides…who the hell brings young kids like that to a first date??  I could be a crazy axe murderer and you’re already introducing me to your kids?

I felt bad for the kids more than anything.  I mean, they are probably having a hard enough time with their parents being divorced and now Mom is dragging them out to meet guys?  Definitely not the kind of woman I’m looking for.  I totally get that you may not have a babysitter or something, but we can always reschedule.  So that one ended before it began.

Cindy, 30, Altamonte – Cindy was one my shorter dates. I blame myself really. This was when I was still an online dating newb. This date actually helped prevent similar ones like it, because I now know some of the smoke signals to watch out for on profiles.

To all of you would-be online daters out there, the number 1 rule is…get a body shot!  If it’s headshots only, you’re in for a rude awakening.  I don’t care what you look like, but please represent yourself accurately.  Cindy had only headshots, and in none of them was she smiling.  But she was an excellent texter and could hold great conversation.  So I didn’t think too much of it when she texted “Elephant Bar.  Happy hour at 9.  Drinks?”  Sure!

I met Cindy outside. While she had listed “average” as her body type, it was anything but.  She was a good 70-80 lbs overweight.  I’ve dated a bigger girl before, size is not the issue, but once again, don’t mislead me.  The real killer was her smile.  I get it, not all of us have perfect teeth and dental work costs more than a new car.  Humans have what, 32 teeth?  I’d say Cindy maybe had about 17.  And the ones she did have looked like one of those anti-drug campaigns that highlighted meth mouth.  They were crooked, jagged, discolored and chipped.  It literally looked like a stick of dynamite exploded in her mouth.

I felt bad for her, I really did. But there was no way we were connecting.  And as much as I wanted to have some ½ price appetizers and drinks at Elephant Bar, I just knew that I would be misleading her as to my intentions or any hope for anything to materialize.

These are just some of the more memorable ones.  I’ve had quite a few other ones that were pretty out there.  But don’t get discouraged if you’re also contemplating online dating, I’ve met a few great ones and we just didn’t click romantically.  I hope you’ve enjoyed reading some of my experiences and if anything, can laugh at my misfortunes.  Thanks to Megan for letting me take over her blog for a day!

One Hit Wonders

Just as Vanilla Ice had Ice Ice Baby, Frankie Goes to Hollywood had Relax, and Right Said Fred had I’m Too Sexy, dating has plenty of one hit wonders.  And the whole online dating thing seems to produce more than its fair share.  When there are so many more flavors to try, there are so many more that you find you don’t like… or they don’t like you.  Either way, I have been on my fair share of first – and only – dates.  Some I was interested in pursuing further, but never got a call back.  And some I was decidedly NOT interested in seeing again.  It’s all part of the process, I suppose.  As so many keep telling me, you have to kiss a bunch of frogs… blah blah blah.  At least most of these frogs didn’t get an actual kiss.

So I tried to count how many of these one hit wonders I had encountered since joining eHarmony at the end of July last year.  I found that to be a fairly daunting task.  I have since actually started logging them in my iCalendar, you know, for future blogs.  Either that or to do an in-depth cost analysis to determine true ROI of my eHarmony membership fees.  At an average cost of $40/month, I definitely feel like it had better produce at least 2 dinners each month in order to be a truly sound investment.  As a woman, I definitely get the sweeter part of the deal.  Sorry boys, that’s just the way of the world.  I don’t make the rules, I just happily abide by them.  Damn, come to think of it, this whole online dating thing is crazy expensive for men!  Not only to they have to pay the membership fees, but then they’ve got to pay for countless dinners, drinks, games of putt putt golf, and food and wine festivals.  Ladies, let’s all be thankful chivalry isn’t completely dead.

I figured I’d share some of the most interesting one hit wonders I’ve gone out with thus far.  Like I said, an exact count was just too hard, but my closest estimation puts the number somewhere around 18.  Good Lord.  18 different people and not a one was compatible enough for a second date.  Are they sure they are truly matching people based on 24 levels of compatibility?  Eh, different strokes for different folks, I suppose.  I like to think of it like job interviews.  You can’t get enough practice, right?  So here are some of the frogs I’ve had the opportunity to practice this game of dating with thus far…

John, 40, Windermere –12/11, Dinner at Season’s 52.  John was a commercial airline pilot, which was pretty cool.  We had fairly boring email communication prior to actually meeting, so I wasn’t all that jazzed about him to begin with.  But, when we exchanged numbers and actually spoke on the phone, we were talking for like 5 hours!  We never had a lull in conversation, laughed a lot, and got along very well.  So we met for dinner at Season’s (he made reservations – good job on his part) and had a good time chatting the evening away.  It was definitely quite apparent that we weren’t at a loss for good conversation topics at the very least.  Although, at one point I just started laughing mid-sentence as we had somehow gotten on the topic of toilets.  I started cracking up and said to him “Um, I just realized that we are actually sitting here in a fairly nice restaurant with mood lighting and a bottle of wine, on a FIRST date, and we’re discussing the rousing topic of toilets.”  Yeah… so that happened.  I think it all came about because he asked me about my house, so I had to tell him about the whole ‘rehab of the foreclosed home’ thing.  Somehow that parlayed into further conversation about home improvements, which eventually turned to toilets.  At the time it seemed fine, but looking back I now realize that it makes complete sense that that was our first and last date.  Not that it was anyone’s fault that we were sitting there discussing toilets for 30 minutes, it was just pretty obvious that we didn’t have that romantic chemistry going on.  So at the end of our rendezvous, he walked me to my car, gave me a hug and an awkward kiss-type noise kind of on the side of my head (I say ‘kiss-type noise’ because it never actually landed anywhere on my face, I just heard the “muah” noise in my right ear), and that was pretty much the end of that.

Ray, 29, Orlando – 1/12, drinks and a flatbread at Eola Wine Company.  So this guy was interesting.  Good emails back and forth on eHarmony (he hates the Guided Communication, so he requested to skip that altogether), but when we finally got to the point of exchanging numbers, it was like he dropped off the planet.  It was at least a week and a half if not two weeks after our last email correspondence before he actually texted me.  Plus, the texts were still few and far between.  So I was wondering what his deal was, if he was actually interested in getting together sometime, or if some other chick had come into the picture and forced me out.  But eventually, he asked me out.  He was funny too…  essentially surveyed my likes and dislikes as far as bars/restaurants go and then picked a place.  I beat him there, which was a first for me.  He did text ahead of time though, letting me know he got stuck with the boss at work and would be about 15 minutes late.  I was about 5 minutes late anyway (as the woman should generally be about 5 minutes late to a first date), so it wasn’t a big deal.  And he did arrive right at 7:15 on the dot, exactly 15 minutes.  I thought we had a very pleasant time.  We definitely had plenty to talk about, and found out that we actually have a mutual acquaintance!  A guy from his fraternity at UCF used to work with me at my first job out of college.  Small world, right??  Plus, he has a cleaning lady that is super cheap and he says she does a wonderful job, so I was able to score her contact info.  I’ve been thinking I need a cleaning lady myself, and at the price he’s paying, it would be well worth it!  So at least there’s that.  I left unsure of whether he’d call again or not.  He said “Talk to you soon!” when we left, but my sixth sense didn’t really kick in.  So I figure it could have gone either way, which was fine.  He was definitely a likeable guy, a little on the short side (just about my height with my heels on), but well dressed with a cute smile and a great career in real estate.  So it was one of those “Eh, I’m not gonna lose sleep if I don’t hear back, but I’d go out with him again if he asks.”  Good thing I wasn’t gonna lose sleep!

Mitchell, 26, Winter Park – 10/11, dinner at Spice.  As crazy as this is about to sound, I don’t think I was smart enough for this one.  For those of you that know me well, that took a LOT for me to actually type.  For those of you that don’t know me all that well, bottom line, I think I’m pretty damn smart.  I know I’m no Einstein, but one thing I have always been confident about is my intelligence.  Mitchell, however, had me beat in this department.  And not just your regular run of the mill “smarts” either.  This one had emotional intelligence the likes of which I have honestly never seen.  This made me wonder if he was actually human, or if I had encountered some sort of mythical creature, considering his Y chromosome.  Oh c’mon now guys, no offence meant.  You know the whole emotional intelligence thing is usually our department!  We made it through the Guided Communication, and exchanged probably the best emails I’ve exchanged with any prospect, to this day.  When exchanging emails on eHarmony, you’re limited to 8000 characters.  We both found ourselves butting right up against that limit at no less than 7500 characters each email.  He fascinated me.  He was brutally honest, had nothing to hide, and asked the most creative “getting to know you” questions I’ve ever been asked, even since.  I mean, how often does someone inquire, “If you could create a piece of art that described your life right now, what would it look like?  And what would your medium be?”  What would your MEDIUM BE?!?!  How amazing is that??  Most just ask things like “So how long have you been a Corporate Trainer?  Do you travel a lot?”  Or “Do you come from a big family, do you have brothers and sisters?”  I absolutely do feel that questions such as those have their merits, it’s all part of learning more about someone.  But Mitchell displayed a level of intricacy that I had never seen in a man, let alone in a man under 30.  So I was super excited for our date.  I thought it went pretty darn well!  We talked and talked at dinner, and afterwards walked around Lake Eola and talked some more.  He was a staunch Democrat who loved John Stuart, right up my alley!!  And he truly, even at age 26, had his stuff together.  He was well into a fantastic career as an engineer, already had completed his Masters degree, and bought his own home a couple of years ago.  Family was extremely important to him, and he was a practicing Buddhist. (I’m not Buddhist or anything, I just don’t know how well a, let’s say, Morman, or perhaps Jehovah’s Witness and I would get along.)  All signs definitely pointed to YES!  Well, for me, anyway.  Apparently the date was, for him, like the food at Spice… Lackluster.   Yeah, for those of you that are local, Spice is a HUGE letdown.  I think the one on Park Ave actually just closed, come to think of it…  but I digress.  Bottom line, his watercolor on canvas picture of life did not include a 30 year old sharp tongued corporate trainer/Zumba instructor.  Back to the drawing board, so to speak.

Chuck, 26, Ocoee – 2/12, dinner at Outback.  Yeah…  that kinda says it all right there, right?  This one intrigued me over email though.  He loved the theatre.  Again, somewhat of an anomaly amongst males.  But I thought that would have been so cool!  To date a guy who actually loves Broadway shows!  And this one REALLY loved them, he had an internship working on Wicked on Broadway.  Wicked happens to be one of my favorites.  He was a pyrotechnician for Disney, not necessarily a glamorous career, but pretty neat in its own right.  We spoke a number of times on the phone, and I could tell he had a bit of a nerdy side.  I was willing to accept a bit of nerd though, especially if it could result in awesome trips to NYC to see show after show after show.  What I wasn’t prepared for was how extreme this level of “dork” was in person.  Wow.  Bless his heart (see previous post regarding how all shit-talking is acceptable when either followed or preceded by “Bless their heart”), but he had khakis that were not only belted a few inches higher than his actual waistline, but I’m pretty sure they were about an inch and a half higher than the top of his shoes too.  That, paired with the tucked in, short sleeved, green checked button down shirt should have been my first clue that I was in for an interesting night. 

When I’m out at restaurants with friends or family, and I see couples that appear to be on a date, I love to play a little game my dad and I aptly named “What’s their deal?”  You try to figure out just that, what their deal is.  Is this a first date?  Are they married, out for the first night they’ve had away from the kids in years?  Are they in a comfortable relationship, but not so comfortable that they ignore each other and stare at their smartphones all night?  Well suffice it to say, if anyone at the Outback Steakhouse on SR 434 in Altamonte would have been playing “What’s their deal?” the night that Chuck and I were out would have easily nailed it – First date, met through eHarmony, he’s talking about Star Wars and she’s contemplating becoming a lesbian if all the single men left in the world are anything like this.  It had to have been blatantly obvious.  So there went my hopes of possibly clicking with a fellow theatre buff.  It was probably for the best, he was Rogers & Hammerstein, I’m much more Sondheim.

Robert, 34, Orlando – 4/12, dinner at Luma.  I think I got caught up in the possibility that I unintentionally projected onto this guy.  He was an attorney, but at a small firm that generally specialized in corporate affairs.  Mergers and acquisitions, stuff like that.  He was involved in politics, attended different parties and fundraisers pretty regularly.  And he lived in Baldwin Park (a fairly upscale neighborhood near downtown Orlando).  I couldn’t get the idea of being arm candy on the social circuit out of my head.  Honestly, I’m fantastic at parties.  I can match wits with the best of them, I’m just cute enough that the men like me, but not nearly hot enough to worry the wives.  And as I stated earlier, I’m pretty confident about my intelligence.  I can hold a conversation on a number of topics from pop culture and current events, to wine, politics, even technology’s effect on the business landscape today.  That last one can definitely be contributed to my employment with a telecommunications/internet service provider.  When in doubt, go with what ya know, right?  So even though Robert’s profile picture resembled that of a cast member from The Lord of the Rings (and I’m not talking about Gandolf here, or the character played by Orlando Bloom…), the other pics he had posted looked fairly normal.  And he was well written, and obviously bright.  I figured, everyone has taken a bad picture in their lifetime!  So we met for dinner, and at a great restaurant too, but I was met with more than just Robert.  I was met with disappointment.  The best adjective I can use to describe this guy is ‘small’.  There’s no way he was taller than 5’7”.  In my standard 3” heels I had at least 2” on him.  Strike number one.  I’m pretty sure he also had the build of a 14 year old boy.  One that was involved in the AV club too, not one that played pee-wee football.  I very well may have had at least 60 lbs on this guy, and it’s not like I’m a huge bitch.  Okay, so if Robert were ever to read this, he’d probably call me a “huge bitch”…  but I was referring more to stature than demeanor there.  I just can’t be with someone smaller than me!  I’m self conscious enough about my appearance (I’m a chick, we’re ALL that way), the last thing I need is to stand next to a guy who makes me look bigger.  Besides, there’s no way that dude could have picked me up and thrown me onto the bed in the heated throws of passion.  Not like crazy, hanging from the chandeliers monkey sex is the most important aspect of a successful relationship…  but you never want to eliminate it as a possibility right from the get-go!

So as you can see, sometimes 24 levels of compatibility don’t end up being spot on 100% of the time.  I do have to wonder though, if they are better than just scanning all profiles of available singles in the Orlando metro area and choosing based on looks.  ‘Cause c’mon now, we all know that’s how it would be…a la Match.com.  OR is the likelihood of meeting “the one” higher with the help of 24 levels of compatibility than it is out in the bars or through friends of coworkers you get set up with.  For me, the jury is obviously still out.  But I hope you enjoyed a small sampling of my versions of Sir Mix A Lot’s Baby Got Back, Soft Cell’s Tainted Love, and probably most fittingly, Meredith Brooks’ Bitch.

The Groucho Marx Philosophy

Firefighter – Out.  Financial Analyst – In.  Well, at least he was… on a trial basis.  Oddly enough, just as the firefighter decided to go on hiatus, a prospect I hadn’t heard from in about a month reappeared.  Brad, 32, Orlando and I had made it to the whole “email” phase of the eHarmony Guided Communication, and I had originally thought things were actually going pretty well.  But then one day he just stopped replying.  We had exchanged a couple emails each, and then POOF.  No more contact.  I had chalked this up to the standard disappearing act that I have seen with so many other matches.  But then he reappeared.  The timing couldn’t have been better.  He expressed sincere apologies for the lag in communication, explaining things got crazy busy at work, and in addition his ex had given him the opportunity to spend extra time with his 4 year old daughter so he took it.  I still have a sneaking suspicion that perhaps the real reason was that he had been seeing someone, which is perfectly acceptable.  We hadn’t even met.  But if he wanted to roll with the work/daughter excuse, I’d go along.  So we picked up where we had left off, and exchanged more emails.

Eventually, as these things tend to go when they’re going well, we made it to the point of exchanging phone numbers.  As I’ve said in the past, men these days are texters, phone calls are so 2008.  So we began a new mode of ‘getting to know you’ – texts as opposed to emails.  I learned more about his work, about his daughter¸ about favorite movies and TV shows.  It was going quite well!  So when he asked to meet me for drinks, I gladly accepted.  So we had drinks.  He was sweet.  Definitely one of those complimentary guys who would probably kiss my feet and worship the ground I walk on.  At one point, he had to excuse himself to use the men’s room (3 beers will do that to a man, ya know) and said “I have to use the restroom…  but I really don’t want to leave this table.”  Awwwww!  Is that adorable, or is that adorable?  I think the “I can’t believe you are still single, you’re absolutely gorgeous,” comment came about an hour later.  He was a cute guy.  Not hot, really.  But cute.  And sweet!  The conversation wasn’t exactly free-flowing like the Thames, but I got the distinct impression I made him nervous somehow.  He had succeeded in making me blush, a couple of times.  I figured that was at least worth a second date.

So we continued our text conversations, and he asked me out for a second date – to play mini-golf, with dinner before hand.  Again, the conversation seemed forced to me, and I noticed a new problem.  I barrel over him in conversation.  He was so quiet, literally!  Not the kind of quiet where a person doesn’t say much.  The kind of quiet where you just can’t hear someone when they are speaking.  I’m pretty sure he tried to pay me a compliment at some point, but I couldn’t hear him as we both started to speak at the same time.  Gee, guess whose voice won that one?  (Oh yeah, for those of you I haven’t met, I’m a little bit loud.  I’m sure you’re all shocked and surprised.)  At the end of this second date, after I had won one round of putt-putt and he had won the other, he drove me back to my car.  I leaned in to give him a thank-you kiss on the cheek and he all of a sudden grew some balls that I was previously sure did not exist and full-on kissed me!  Again, he had managed to convince me that another attempt was worth it.  Which was probably good, he had sort of pre-planned date three before we went out on date two.  He invited me to go to a food and wine festival downtown the weekend after.  I had accepted, figuring if date #2 didn’t go well, he could more than likely sell the extra ticket to a friend.  Or just tank it, the tickets were only $10 a piece anyway.

Fast forward a few days to this food and wine festival.  I was actually pretty excited!  It sounded like a fun event, it was a seemingly nice day, and I was definitely quite impressed with his date idea creativity!  Unfortunately, the day turned into kind of a bust.  I so wanted to like this guy!  I did!!!  But when it’s not there, it’s just not there.  And it just wasn’t there.  Not only was our conversation and chemistry lacking, but the food and wine festival was small, and about an hour and a half in it started to pour.  I think perhaps the Universe was trying to tell me something…  By the time he dropped me off, I knew that was pretty much going to be it.  I could tell the poor guy wanted me to invite him in, it was only 7pm, after all.  But I just wasn’t into it.  The more I thought about it, the more I realized there just wasn’t a point in continuing to try and feel something for this one.  That’s just not fair to anyone.  I wanted to like him, he was so sweet and so doting, it would have been great to be worshipped.  But I couldn’t force it.  Oh and did I mention that on the way to said food and wine festival we drove right by the firefighter’s house and I couldn’t help but scope it to see if his car was there?  Technically twice, on the way there and on the way home?  Oh yeah, there’s that.

Groucho Marx was once quoted as saying “I don’t care to belong to a club that accepts people like me as members.”  Could this be our problem as women?  We’re not interested in the men who really want us, but we can’t help but scope the houses of the ones who don’t?  Why do we so desperately want to be members of the clubs who don’t want us?  For example, I’m not ridiculous enough to chase down the men I’ve been really interested in pursuing a real relationship with.  After all, I’m a girl, and boys are supposed to chase me.  But just because I have far too much dignity to do the actual chasing doesn’t mean I don’t secretly hope they change their minds at some point and come calling again.  Take Alan, 34, Lake Mary for example.  He was adorable!  I thought we really hit it off, but after date #3, he was no more.  Or should I say, I was no more to him.  But that’s not to say I wouldn’t be pretty damn stoked if all of a sudden he showed up out of nowhere and asked me out again.  Now would I accept?  I dunno.  Depends on how well he asked.  But just to HAVE the opportunity to shoot them down is far better for one’s self esteem than simply being “no more”!!  Did I summon every last drop of restraint in order to NOT reply to the firefighter’s text about Peyton and “the donkeys” (Asshole)?  YES.  But would I kinda like him to call, begging and pleading for forgiveness of his bad behavior, and tell me how he’s realized how amazing I am?  Yep.  So is this just our destiny as women?  Will we continue, until the end of time, to always want the ones who don’t want us?  Ladies, how many times have you cried and pined for that guy who won’t call you back?  And how many times have you shunned the sweet, somewhat nerdy guy who offered you the world?  The grass is always greener on the other side.  But does it have to be?  Do we have to perpetuate this Groucho Marx Philosophy? 

Now in my defense, I don’t think that I “shunned” the Financial Analyst just because he seemed to like me so much.  Even with said Groucho Marx Philosophy considered, he bored the shit out of me.  It wasn’t his fault!  We just didn’t have a whole lot to talk to about.  Like I said, I wanted to like him, I really did!  But a personality that just isn’t matched well with mine is one thing I certainly cannot overlook.  Quiet, subservient, and boring just aren’t my style.  AKA – You really can’t bore the shit outta me, no matter how many times you compliment me.  So the question I recently posed to my Facebook friends and Twitter followers was “So at what point do I owe you an explanation of why I'm not really interested in seeing you again? Can I just stop replying to texts altogether after date #3 if I'm just not feelin' it?”  I got mixed responses.  Some said just tell him how I’m feeling, others said that 3 dates doesn’t deem any kind of explanation necessary.  I know, I know.  I’m the one who complains about guys who fall off the face of the planet and now I’m looking to do it to someone else.  But hey, maybe that’s the socially accepted behavior in this whole “dating” world.  Shoot, it’s been almost 9 months of ‘Dating As If It Were a Competitive Sport’ for me and I still have no freakin’ idea what I’m doing. 

Now do the rules change if homeboy has the potential of becoming a Stage 5 Clinger??  I think the sweet ones generally do have that potential.  Now sometimes this is good…  If Brad Pitt were sweet, and a Stage 5 Clinger, but still Brad Pitt, I’d take it!  The thing about the sweet ones is they don’t play by the rules.  They’ll text whenever they feel like it, regardless of who texted last.  They’ll show all their cards up front, no poker face.  What’s really screwed up is that us women whine about all the games and the rules, then when someone disregards them, it freaks us out.  Go figure.  But for all my male readers out there…  we reserve the right to be elusive and change our minds, DAMMIT!!!  So I did what I (and a number of chastising friends) thought was the right thing to do.  I let him know that I just wasn’t feeling that spark, that chemistry.  I told him that he was so sweet, and I was very appreciative of everything, but I’m just not the girl for him.  And this is what I get in response: “But why?  What went wrong?  I feel totally blindsided here!”  Uh, yeah…  maybe not a Stage 5 Clinger, but at least a Stage 4.  Bless his heart.  (when you talk shit about someone and then say “Bless their heart”, it makes your shit-talking totally okay)  I told him I was sorry, and that he will undoubtedly find a great woman who he will make very happy, but I just wasn’t that woman.

So another one bites the dust.  But I suppose it’s all part of the process, right?  I mean, I’ve at least met way more people than I had without the whole online dating aspect working for me.  And the more exposure one gets, the more likely one is to land her dream man, right??  Watch…  one day he’ll appear completely out of nowhere and I will have wasted hundreds of dollars on eHarmony.  But I suppose I’m learning a lot… and there’s always something to be said for the experience.  As always, thanks to you all for coming on this journey with me!

Putting the Fire Out

So I know I’ve been offline for a bit…  I guess I just didn’t feel much like writing.  Could have been because I thought my single-gal exploits were going to be temporarily postponed for awhile!  Now I am not naïve enough to think that I had found “him” and the search was finally over.  In fact, at this point I think I’m a little too jaded and cynical to jump to conclusions such as that so quickly.  But I had at least thought I was “dating” someone and wouldn’t have to check that eHarmony thing for awhile.  Plus there was a bit of a lull there, as tends to be the trend periodically.  I assumed things were just working out for the best.  So the last I wrote (Yes yes yes…  it was a million years ago, I’m sorry!!!) The Firefighter had finally responded to my attempts at communication via email.  So I wrote him what I thought was a hilariously witty response, and posted it for all to read.  Our story continues from there…

So no less than 20 minutes after I hit send on that email and promptly copied and pasted it into a blog post, I received a text from said firefighter.  It was a novella, really.  And it made me feel amazing.  He said he really liked my email and apologized for being incommunicado for so long.  He gave me a long diatribe about what he had been occupied with at work over the last week, and asked when I was available so he could see me and get caught up.  We made dinner plans for the next night.  When I arrived at the restaurant, I could tell something was different.  It was like he had put more effort in getting ready for this date than the last ones.  His shave was closer, his shirt had less wrinkles.  Or maybe I was just happy to see him.  We had made plans contingent upon an early night, as we both had late night plans with friends, so at around 8 he walked me to my car and we shared a somewhat awkward kiss.  All the excitement I had felt at the beginning of the night faded.  I was back where I was the week before, not knowing what in the world he was thinking, somewhat disappointed that I wasn’t completely rocking his world. 

My disappointment, however, turned to bright-eyed hope when I got a text a couple days later…  he asked me out for Valentine’s Day!!!  Not only did he ask me out for Valentine’s Day, but he offered to COOK ME DINNER on Valentine’s Day!  He was very tactful, though, not making it out to be a whole “Will you be my Valentine” type invite.  More of a “People need to eat dinner right, regardless of it being a major Hallmark holiday?”  So I bought giant cupcakes and a six pack of IPAs and headed downtown to his place for my Valentine’s dinner.  Dinner was amazing.  Grilled filet mignon, fresh veggies, wine…  he even had appetizers, it was very sweet!  We talked while he cooked and it was so calm and relaxed, conversation flowed like we had known each other forever.  We ate dinner, watched a movie…  and I’m going to leave it at that. :-)  Suffice it to say, I left his place at 5 in the morning and was nothing short of extremely sleepy at work that Wednesday.

A few more dates and a few more extremely sleepy days at work came beyond Valentine’s Day, and I thought things were actually going somewhere.  Again, I hadn’t boarded the train to ‘Till Death Do Us Part’ station just yet.  But I was definitely optimistic about where things were headed.  And optimistic about soon introducing him to my friends!  But then the other shoe dropped.  More time lapsed between texts, no future plans were set up.  One day I sent him a text asking how his day was, to which I received a response, which was good.  I responded to his response, but that was the last communication for over a week, which was definitely not good.  Oh, but it gets worse!!  After no calls, no texts, nothing for 8 days (but who was counting?), he finally sends a smoke signal.  Okay, so it was a text message, but smoke signal would have been really cool!  This is what the text said –

“So Peyton’s going to be a Bronco.  I hate to say it, but the donkeys might actually look good next year.”  Um, EXCUSE ME?!?!  A solid week of radio silence and THAT is what you choose to say???  No “Hey, sorry I haven’t talked to ya in while…  how have you been?”  OR “I know I kinda disappeared there, but how are you?”  Not only were you missing tact and courtesy, but you call my beloved Denver Broncos the DONKEYS and expect a civil response?!?!  I could have even taken the slight stab at the Broncos had it been preceded by some sort of apology for being completely absent for a week. 

Now I know that I was in no way his girlfriend, and there was no commitment outlined or discussed.  But am I nuts for thinking that after enough dates that I lost count (I figure that has to be more than 8 or 9, at least), and a number of intimate occasions (a.k.a. more than just 1) that we might actually be what they call “dating”?  And that “dating” implies that it is somewhat rude to leave someone hanging for more than a week?  He had slept over, after all.  Am I crazy for assuming that it is not socially acceptable to not contact someone you are “dating” for over a week?  So my response…  No response at all.  Believe me, it took pretty much every last ounce of self control and restraint I have in my entire body.  But I did it.  Or rather I didn’t do it, I didn’t text back.  And I still haven’t texted back, and it’s been over a week since his ridiculous “donkeys” text.  I’ve been patting myself on the back for 11 days now.

I think what very well may have helped me was lunch with an ex, of all things.  We had a brief relationship about 5 years ago, which ended very amicably.  I realized we just weren’t meant to be.  He was a Republican.  But even beyond our vastly different political views, he wasn’t ready for a serious relationship.  He was terrible at making time for me, and I felt it.  We have, however, remained friends over the last few years.  Not necessarily close friends, but a lunch here and there, a Facebook wall post periodically.  Well recently a wall post turned into a lunch.  We sat and chatted about life and what we had both been up to since we last talked, and I asked him what was going on in his dating world.  He said he wasn’t seeing anyone special, and that the last girl he was spending serious time with got annoyed that he was always leaving town and had perpetual weekend plans.  When he told me that, I said “Well, you did that to me all the time too.  I remember a time when we were supposed to be having a romantic night in and you left just after I made dinner to meet your boss at the Hard Rock in Tampa.”  Yes, I’m sure to the average reader this guy sounds like a serious piece of work…  but he really is a good guy.  I then said “Well, you just haven’t found the woman who motivates you to stay home yet.  Nor are you at the point in your life yet where you’re ready to find her.”  That’s when the light bulb over my head turned on.  Duh, Megan!!!  The Firefighter isn’t ready yet either!  Either that, or I’m just not the one who motivates him.  Or both.  But either way, there was no reason to text him back.  When you’re thinking about someone, when you want to talk to them, want to see them, you call.  Or text, or whatever.  Something.  But no contact in over a week?  I obviously wasn’t on his mind.  And that’s not even necessarily his fault, it just is what it is.  So why prolong the inevitable?  There really isn’t a point in continuing down a path that lead to nowhere.  Don’t get me wrong, he still crosses my mind.  Do I hope to randomly run into him downtown somewhere, someday?  Ideally while on the arm of a fabulously handsome, successful, well dressed man with more hair than he has?  Yes.  But I’m not banking on it.

So unfortunately, the firefighter who had definitely lit my fire for a few months there has subsequently put that fire right out.  He was hot, he was fun, he was well traveled.  But he and I just weren’t meant to be.  And lunch with an ex couldn’t have come at a better time to show me that.  Alas, it’s back to the drawing board.  Luckily, there are more prospects on the horizon… :-)  Online dating can be quite beneficial that way.  We shall see what the next round has in store for me!