The Disappearing Act

I know, it’s been forever since I’ve posted anything, my apologies for the delay.  It’s just that I’m not all that motivated to write when there’s a whole of nothing going on.  But now that I FINALLY went on another date this past weekend, I figured it was time to dust off the keyboard and get back to work!  As I’ve stated previously, this whole thing is a roller coaster and there are ups (now being one of those times) and downs.  The last couple of months consisted of a little bit of written communication here and there, but nothing to write home (or write a blog) about.  Of course, in my constant need for instant gratification, I was getting frustrated and pondered just letting the whole thing go and leave eHarmony alone for a little while, focus my energies elsewhere.  It’s not like I can cancel, they’ve got me on the hook for another 3 months and something tells me they aren’t likely to provide refunds.  But the hopeless romantic in me decided to press forward, check out the matches as they are sent to me, and continue the seemingly never ending search for a mate.

One of the biggest sources of frustration in this search has got to be when all communication just stops suddenly.  This has happened to me more times than I can count, and it is starting to get extremely annoying.  I’ve found there are a few ways this occurs, one much more offending than the others.  The first, least offensive disappearing act occurs during the whole “Guided Communication” piece.  If you haven’t read any of my previous posts, I’ll give you the quick rundown on the process…  There are 3 steps that the relationship experts at eHarmony have devised to assist in matches getting to know each other better.  The first is 5 closed-ended, multiple choice questions, the second is a list of things you must have and can’t stand in a relationship partner, and the third is 3 open ended questions wherein the respondent can answer free form.  As weird as some of the questions are, they do provide a decent means of seeking out valuable information.  I can definitely see how there are times when a person’s list of Must Haves/Can’t Stands could be a deal breaker.  For example, one of my personal Must Haves is “I must have a partner to shares my desire to have or adopt children”.  Basically, I’m having a baby at some point, period.  So you’d better be on board with that, or there’s really no point in us continuing communication.  I’ve already promised future generations that I would not deny them offspring containing my genetic makeup.  I mean, what would the world be like if the awesome stopped here?  That’s just not fair!  So if a match already has kids and is pretty set on not having any more, OR has had “the snip” and is physically incapable of impregnating me, I could see them reading my list of Must Haves and realizing that we probably just aren’t going to work.  So I can’t be too upset that they have decided to bow out gracefully and disappear.  I’m hoping this was the case with Brent, 37, Orlando.  He was HOT, and a cop (something about the uniform and the gun is just sexy) but he already had a daughter.  I like to think he was really into me, but just couldn’t bear to tell me he wasn’t interested in having more kids.  So he chose to spare himself the pain of falling for me and not being able to fulfill my needs, therefore forcing me to eventually break up with him and break his law enforcing heart.  Yeah, we’ll just go with that.

While I’m on this kid topic, I have to vent about something.  Why do these guys put ‘Maybe” under the part on their profile that says “Wants Kids”??  I have discovered, on more than one occasion, that ‘Maybe’ really means ‘No’.  It’s almost like they don’t want to put ‘No’ because they’re pretty sure most of us women do want to have our own kids and they don’t want to eliminate potential matches with such a concrete answer.  Well guess what, guys…  it’s not like you’re gonna change our minds!  Did you think we’d fall in love with you and give up on what is one of the most primordial female desires?  Shoot, sometimes this whole desire to completely destroy our bodies, gain a bunch of weight, buy a whole new wardrobe, and be a hormonal hot mess for the better part of a year isn’t even a conscious decision!  Most of us are just hot wired to want babies.  So if you think that you’ll lure us in with your ‘Maybe’ and we’ll just go along with it all when you say ‘Well, no.  I don’t really want to have kids with you.’ you may be certifiably insane.  And it’s no wonder you’re still single, as you obviously don’t understand the female psyche at all.  Alright, I’ll step down off of that soapbox now.  This message brought to you by my ticking biological clock.

The second disappearing act occurs after Guided Communication has been completed and we’ve actually moved into the whole email part.  This one is slightly more disconcerting.  I find that the email phase is the most useful, telling phase of the whole thing.  There have been a number of matches with whom I thought I had a great little rapport going who just dropped off the face of the earth, for all intents and purposes.  How on earth could the contents of one email be enough for you to determine that you’re not interested when you’ve been pretty darn interested thus far?  Even if there’s something to cause concern, wouldn’t you take the opportunity to write back and inquire further about it?  Let’s take Mark, 34, Lake Mary, for example.  I thought we were getting along swimmingly!  We had been emailing about once every couple of days or so, and we found we had a fair amount in common.  We were both very happy in our careers and enjoyed our jobs, had similar interests in restaurants, music, and movies, and liked to kid around a lot.  But one day, poof!  No more responses from Mark, 34, Lake Mary.  I thought we were actually pretty close to the point wherein we would exchange numbers, maybe try to meet up soon, but nope.  He pulled a Houdini on me. 

I’m still trying to figure out how to outsmart the whole site and figure out if people are still active without alerting them to the fact that I’ve viewed their profile.  My little sister would call it “creeping” if it were someone’s Facebook page.  Some might refer to it as “eHarmony stalking”.  I prefer to call it “creative relationship research”.  See, there is a running list of people who have viewed your profile.  Each time I log in, I see this list and can see who has been checking me out.  So obviously, everyone can see their own said list.  However, I’ve found that people are able to communicate with me without their name appearing on this list.  When you go to answer some form of communication, it brings you to the person’s profile, so logic and reason would tell me that this would count as the profile being viewed.  But I don’t think that it does.  The most valuable part of someone’s profile after they have “disappeared” is a little line at the top that tells you when they were last active on the site.  If weeks have gone by and they haven’t been active, this could prove that they just stopped using eHarmony altogether, thus making me feel much better about being Houdini-ed.  It wasn’t ME they ditched, it was dating altogether!  Maybe they firmed things up with someone they had already been talking to and were pretty much in a relationship now.  Maybe they had an existential crisis and had decided to be celibate for 6 months in attempts to clear their mind and purify their body.  Either way, it wasn’t me.  That definitely helps keep me from thoughts of eternal singledom and fears of the neighbor children throwing rocks at my windows explaining to their friends “That’s old spinster Megan’s house… she lives alone in there and my mom says it will stink when she dies because nobody will find her body for weeks and that will bring the resale value for the whole neighborhood down.”

The third and final disappearing act is the hardest of the three to take.  The absolute worst is when you do actually go on a first date… and that is the last time you talk to them.  OUCH.  Now trust me when I tell you that I’m generally never accused of having self esteem issues.  So as much as this may seem like a pity party…  Okay, so yeah.  It’s going to be a pity party.  It won’t last long, I promise, just come along with me for a moment here.  Talk about self defeating!  By my calculations, I’ve been on 9 first dates thus far.  2 of them have turned into second dates.  That’s a 22% success rate, which is pretty darn terrible.  I have an even worse 4^th date success rate, that one is 0%.  But that I can stomach a little bit better.  Dating is all about trying to find that special someone, and I can definitely see how after 3 dates, one can determine that someone just isn’t for them.  You’ve spent a decent amount of time with one another, and most importantly, you’ve given it 3 chances, not just 1.  How can a first date determine much of anything?  I’m a firm believer in at least 2 dates.  The first date can be nerve racking!  It’s not a fair assessment, in my opinion.  But apparently, to 7 out of 9 men, it was enough to tell them I wasn’t the one.  I’ve racked my brain trying to come up with something I did, or something I said, but I can’t for the life of me come up with anything substantial!  I’m actually pretty comfortable on the first date, so I’m generally not one to be awkward.  I’m my bubbly, witty, smiling self.  I shower regularly and wear clean clothes, so I can’t imagine it’s a hygiene issue.  And in these 7 out of 9 situations, we’ve had great conversations via email, phone, and text for weeks, and what you read is pretty much what you get with me.  Megan on paper is pretty much the same as Megan live and in person.  So the only thing I can contribute this sudden disinterest to is 100% based on physical appearance.  Granted, I’m no Victoria’s Secret model.  But is that really what 78% of men HAVE to have?  

Now you very well may be saying the same thing that all of my friends tell me “Listen, if he’s not into you for whatever reason after meeting you face to face, then he’s obviously not the one for you.”  And I concur, you’re right.  But that doesn’t make it any easier to take.  Especially after they really seemed promising, both prior to the first meeting AND after that first date.  I seem to put the matches I’m communicating with into one of two categories.  There are the ones that I’m interested in getting to know better, trying to see if there’s any potential there.  These are the ones that I’m not necessarily dying to rush the process and meet right away, but are perfectly viable prospects.  Then there are the ones who I seem instantly much more interested in.  These are the ones I check the phone every 5 minutes for, to see if they’ve written something new or answered the most recent communication.  These are the ones who cause the most emotional distress after that first and last date combo.  Nothing sucks more than going home after what seemed to be a really great first date, and waiting in anxious anticipation for them to call again to set up the next one, only to never hear another word.  This sad, depressing feeling is generally only cured by the appearance of a new prospect who fits into that latter category.  Either that, or copious amounts of vodka.  I’ve found copious amounts of vodka tend to cure many different ailments.

You might be wondering, do I see every single match through?  Okay, I admittedly I do not.  I have pulled a Houdini myself a couple of times.  So sure, if you are a believer in karma, then I suppose I’ve got a couple disappearing acts coming to me.  There was John, 29, Winter Park.  I didn’t find him very physically attractive in the pictures posted to his profile, but I thought I’d go ahead and respond to his request for Guided Communication, see what he had to say.  We had a few things in common, and he hadn’t said anything outright offensive throughout our email correspondences, so I agreed (via email) to meeting for coffee sometime.  Well, he sent his number in the next email, probably thinking that I’d use that bit of information to call him and plan this coffee date.  But unfortunately, another shiny object caught my eye and poor John was essentially left hanging.  Dear John, I’m really sorry about that.  You know that gut feeling you get about people though?  Well sometimes it’s just best if you trust your gut.  And my gut was telling me that you’d either bore the shit out of me, or I’d wear you out with my penchant for the dramatic.  Either way, I just didn’t see anything good coming of that coffee date, except perhaps a sugar free nonfat caramel macchiato.  I find myself wishing that these uninterested guys would just let me know that they weren’t interested, but I suppose nobody wants to deliver bad news like that.  I certainly didn’t feel any nagging responsibility to inform Keith, 30, Orlando of this fact.  So I suppose that I shouldn’t be too upset with Sean, 36, Orlando for not telling me “Thanks, but no thanks.”  It’s all part of the process, I suppose.  And besides, driving the opposite sex mad with indecisiveness is all part of the fun!  If you have a twisted, sadistic sense of fun, that is.

Needless to say, I haven’t found Mr. Right just yet.  There are a couple of dates planned this week though, so that’s my bit of good news to report!  The upcoming one is with a firefighter, and similar to the cop, that’s just sexy.  He’s been well spoken, witty, flattering, and extremely intriguing thus far, definitely falling into that category of match where I can’t wait for the next email or text.  I find when you really really really want something to work out for the best, you come up with a number of ridiculous correlations that point you in a positive direction.  In this case, I’ve convinced myself that since he’s Greek, and back in college there was a Greek guy with a HUGE crush on me, it’s a sure fire win.  And yes, I am completely aware that that is probably one of the dumbest things you’ve ever read.  I’m okay with that.  It’s whatever gets me through that counts!  I’ve also decided that if he disappears on me, it’s because he’s a firefighter and they are  reputedly big time players, so when he realized that I’m a true woman of the new millennium, he also realized that I wasn’t easy.  So fingers crossed that dinner and drinks with the Greek firefighter at least turns into a second date.  Ideally, I’d love to report that I made it through that 4^th date barrier!  I figure if I can get to a 6^th date, we’re probably soul mates and I can go ahead and start planning the wedding, since that would be such an amazing feat for me.  So on that note, I’m going to try on every outfit in my closet, and take pictures in my full length mirror to text to girlfriends for advice.  This could take close to 3-4 hours, so I’d better get a move on… 

 

Stay Tuned. :-)