Don't Hate the Player, Hate the Game

I’m sure you’ve heard that old adage…  “Don’t hate the player, hate the game!”  Oh yeah, I just called it an ‘old adage’.  Well if your idea of an adage is something more along the lines of “Don’t judge a book by its cover” or “The grass is always greener on the other side”, let me explain.  This particular saying is pretty applicable to dating.  We shouldn’t be mad at the way it is, we should be mad at the people who try to play these games with romantic endeavors.  But that’s pretty impossible.  The whole thing is a giant game, and the slightly upsetting part about this is that it’s LIFE!  It shouldn’t be a game, it should be quite the opposite.  People shouldn’t be “players”, or act like “playas” (throw your best slang accent on that one).  People should be upfront and honest with each other, right?  I mean really, when you think about it, finding a mate is one of the most important missions one will even encounter in life… or at least it should be.

In today’s day and age, none of us are strangers to divorce.  What’s the statistic say?  Something like 40% of us nowadays are children of divorce?  I know I am… and I can think of at least 3 other friends out of 10 who are as well.  So yeah, we’ll stick with 40%. But regardless, I don’t know anyone who is planning on getting a divorce.  Even those of us who are products of divorce still gun for forever.  That being said, the logical conclusion one must come to is that dating is the means of making arguably one of the most important decisions of our lives.  Since modern American society has shunned the concept of dowries and arranged marriage, dating is pretty much all we’ve got.  Unless of course you’re into Russian mail order brides, but most people can’t afford all that goes along with that.  Dating is it!  It’s the only way to nail down a mate for life, the one you’ll be with forever, the second genetic contributor to your future children.  We have no other choice!  Ahhhhh… how’s THAT for a dose of reality???  I bet you were wandering through life before reading this, never thinking about how truly serious it is to give out your phone number!  Well, you’re welcome.  This revelation has been brought to you by the letter ‘e’.  Lowercase…as in eHarm… Eh, you got it I’m sure.

So we’ve established that the quest to find that special someone is important.  Much more significant than Saturday morning pick-up basketball, or a quick soccer scrimmage with the boys.  This is LIFE people!  So why on earth must we treat it like a game?  And I don’t care what you say, it IS a game.  I know it sucks, but that’s the way it is.  You can’t choose not to play, because it’s not your choice.  There’s another old adage for you… “You can’t win if you don’t play!”  That one’s applicable here too.  Dating is probably one of the most difficult games to play, but you have to play it if you want to win, and by ‘win’ I mean win yourself a partner for life.  I have had many friends tell me things like “Don’t play the game!” and “Be better than the game!” and let’s not forget “If you just act on your feelings, you’ll get so much further!”  Well I call bullshit.  The other person is undoubtedly playing, therefore you have no choice.  If you don’t play, you automatically lose.  Since we’ve already established the gravity of the situation, what other choice do you have?  I suppose I should say what other choice do I have…  yeah,  for a second I forgot this blog is about me!

The strategy involved in the dating game is fierce.  I’d say it’s comparable to Risk!  What other board game involved as much strategic thinking as Risk??  Well, Clue maybe, now that I think about it.  One Thanksgiving, I suckered my family into playing 13 games of Clue, 12 of which I won…  But I digress!  I definitely have NOT won 12 rounds of this dating game.  That’s for sure.   I think the hardest part about determining your moves here is that nobody is really playing by the same rules.  Now think about that for just a second.  Can you imagine opening up the Trivial Pursuit box, having never played before in your life, and trying to figure out what on earth to do with a board, a box of cards, a dice, these weird looking empty pie-looking things, and bunch of tiny plastic triangles?  Well that’s pretty much what this whole dating thing is like.  We all open the same box, and that box contains the same pieces with which to play, however that folded over sheet of paper containing the rules and instructions is missing.  The funny part is that it’s never actually been written.  It’s not like Hasbro had an error in their factory, these particular rules have never actually been put to paper.  We all seem to think we’ve seen them though!  Everyone has this idea of how the game is supposed to be played. 

Here are some examples of these fantastical rules… for women:

• Don’t call him, make him get your number and call you
• Don’t make the plans, let him decide on where you’re going on a date
• If you were the last one to text, don’t text again until he texts you

Here are some examples I’ve gathered from some of my platonic male friends:

• Wait 3 days to call her after you get her number (Okay, maybe that one was from the movie Swingers)
• Play it cool, don’t let on that you like her as much as you do
• Don’t make plans for date #2 until at least 2 days after date #1

All in all, I think both sides can essentially agree that one of the most important “rules” is to make sure you don’t seem too eager, too interested in the other person.  We run into problems again here though, as everyone’s determination of the appropriate level of interest varies.  Ultimately though, you can’t let on that you like someone.  Shhhhhhh!!!  Gotta keep ‘em guessing!  Wondering when you’ll call, if you like them, if they said something wrong…  It’s all part of the game!  If you show your cards too early, they’re likely to think you’re clingy, or get scared that you’re moving too fast and run the other way.  But that’s ridiculous!  Now I will say that if you start blowing my phone up to the point where I should be worried, or if you call my office and ask the receptionist to transfer you to my desk because I haven’t returned the text you sent me just an hour ago, then yeah!  I’m going to run, as you are obviously crazy.  But I have to believe that there are more non-crazy people out there, at least in my dating pool.  So what’s the harm in letting someone know that you ARE interested, that you WANT to see them again?  But nooooooo!  That would be weird!  Yep!  Totally weird to have an honest, real display of perfectly logical emotion.  Ah, how soon we forget that nothing about this game is logical!

The worst part of this pastime is the end.  One person has the ability to put a stop to the whole thing, and the other party doesn’t necessarily need to agree.  Such is life.  Which I can accept for an actual “break-up”, i.e.-the end of a relationship wherein both parties have agreed that they wanted to be in a relationship.  Sometimes one person just isn’t feelin’ it anymore, and it’s time to go.  But what’s with the sudden abrupt ending after a date or two?  There’s no commitment yet, so I can see how nobody necessarily owes anyone an explanation.  And I’m almost okay with “I had a nice time!  Thanks so much!  Drive safe!” and that’s it.  No text afterwards, no phone call, no future plans.  At least then it’s pretty obvious that they’re just not that into you.  But people (as I can’t blame just guys for this one, women are guilty of it too), why in the world do you have to play it like this?  Read on…

Me: Well thanks so much for dinner!  It was cool to finally meeting you in person, I had a great time!

Matt 26 Winter Springs:  Me too!  Thanks so much to you!  I was great to meet you too!

Me:  Well take care, and have a great weekend.

Matt 26 Winter Springs:  So I’m out of town this weekend at that bachelor party I was telling you about in Tampa, and then Sunday I’ve got some family obligations.  But how about we meet back up next week sometime?

Me:  Okay!  That sounds good!

Matt 26 Winter Springs:  Great!  I’ll call you!  Drive safe!

So from that little scene, one would assume that there was at least one more date, right?  Nope!  Wrong.  He never called.  Now am I devastated, crying myself to sleep about it?  No.  I assume I’m probably a little much for him.  He was very very sweet, a little bit introverted.  Introverted and “sweet” are probably NOT amongst the first ten adjectives you think of when you think of me.  So no, it’s not really a big deal that I never heard back.  But why say you want to go out again and that you’ll call if you don’t want to go out again and don’t plan on calling?  This is what boggles my mind!  What kind of strategy is this, what does it accomplish?  Now ideally, if he wasn’t interested, his next move would have been to actually call and say “Hey, I know I said we should meet back up, but the more I think about it, the more I think this just probably wouldn’t work.  We’re just a little too different.”  That would have been AWESOME!  I’d have even accepted “Hey, I didn’t want to just leave you hanging and not call at all.  But I had gone out with another woman a couple times before we met and I think that whole thing is really going somewhere.”  Even if it was bullshit!  We’re all adults here.  At least adult enough to have a credit card to pay for the membership fees.  So why can’t we just be grown-ups and tell it like it is?  What part of the rules state that it’s better to lie and then just not call?  Oh that’s right!  These rules aren’t actually concrete, and everyone’s set is different.

And beware if you attempt to break the rules!  That’s what’s really odd here…  even though following the rules varies for all, somehow breaking  the rules is universal.  You break the rules, you lose.  I went rogue a few weeks ago myself.  What can I say?  I like to live dangerously!  Rather than waiting for Chris 34 Sanford to call me after our first date to set up the second, I threw caution to the wind and sent him a text.  I felt like such a rebel!  What a rush!  It was akin to taking a cookie from the Publix bakery without paying for it, leaving the office 15 minutes early and not telling the boss, toilet papering the Senior class president’s house as a Junior!  I said to myself,  “You know what? I’m a woman of the new millennium!  I don’t need to WAIT for these men.  I can take control of the situation!”  Or maybe not…  Sure, Chris 34 Sanford texts back.  He was even nice, asked how I was doing.  I told him I’d definitely be interested in meeting up again if he was, to which he responded “Sounds good!  I’m not sure what next week looks like yet, but I’ll keep you posted on my schedule, and we can link up!”  And again, nada.  Really dude?  It would have been more respectable to just not respond to the initial text at all. 

Do I wish we lived in a world without the games?  Maybe.  I know, I know!  I just spent a number of lengthy paragraphs bitching about them.  And I stand by that whining, I do!  But there is a little (TINY) something to be said for the thrill of the hunt.  Or at least there was, before I saw courtship as a competitive sport. The back and forth can be both exciting and annoying all at the same time.  Do I like him more than he likes me?  Does he like me more than I like him?  Which is better?!  The fact of the matter is, it’s a game that demands to be played.  And unfortunately, there doesn’t seem to be any method of training for this one.  No amount of practice can make you better at it… even if you think you’re quite the “player”.  Everybody is different, the human factor changes the game each and every time.  So if at first you don’t succeed, try try again!  How’s that for an old adage?