The eMotional Rollercoaster

I wonder if they designed this whole eHarmony experience to be a series of ups and downs, set up to toy with your emotions in order to keep you hooked and keep you paying.  When I really think about it, it’s actually kind of ingenious.  It’s sort of like the experiences gained from a real relationship!  Since I set out to write this blog in order to give you some insight into how this whole online dating thing works, let me explain the eHarmony process…  So the minute you hit “Finished” after filling out the intensely introspective and time consuming questionnaire, you are immediately sent like 7 or 8 matches.  So you’re thinking to yourself “Whoa!  That’s fantastic!  Of course I’m going to give them my money!  They have OBVIOUSLY cornered the market on sophisticated and tech-savvy match making.  AND my Mr. Right has to be on here if there are already 8 compatible people right here in my specified geographical parameters!”  So I immediately grabbed my wallet and input my credit card number.  I was still slightly cautions though, my skepticism kept my membership to the initial 3 month period, but I have no doubt that there are many who dive head first into the 12 month option.  I mean, it does save you about $12 a month.  And I can’t fault those users, as a good friend said to me when I told her about my new method of meeting men, “Megan.  You can’t put a price tag on true love!”  Granted, she was being extremely sarcastic, possibly even mocking, but it was damn adorable all the same.  So you get these initial 8 matches, right?  Then every day for 3 weeks, you get 7 or 8 more.  How on earth have I been wandering the streets of the Orlando metropolitan area for 11 years now and have yet to find 8 viable men to even have dinner with, when there are apparently 8 per DAY x 3 weeks that are compatible with me on 23 different levels?  8 per day, times 21 days, equals 168 prospects!  And here I thought that maybe “He” wasn’t in Orlando, that maybe I was going to have to move to a more populous city to find myself a husband.  But nope!  He’s got to be here!  There are 168 prospects, how can ONE of them not be THE one?  Okay, now I suppose I should take out the 50 or so ‘flex matches’.  Although I haven’t been given a specific, quantified explanation of what a ‘flex match’ is, I’m going to assume that maybe they’re only compatible with me on 17 levels.  Yeah, we’ll just go with that.  But that still leaves well over 100 prospects.  So the future is bright!!!  Or so one would think…

So day 22 hits, I wake up and check my phone (as has become my habit over the last 3 weeks) and something is different.  Why don’t I have 7 variations of the eHarmony “Find out more about your new match _______”?  I had grown quite accustomed to my morning ritual, and now it was being taken away from me.  Those who know me (and live persons at eHarmony who may have actually read my questionnaire responses) know I’m a creature of habit.  Any alteration in my morning routine can result in me forgetting to brush my teeth or apply deodorant.  So although this morning gmail check was a new addition, it was sorely missed!  But I thought to myself, “You know, it was bound to slow down a bit.  It was almost ridiculous to receive that many matches anyway.”  And on the bright side, I could actually focus on other things for once.  The eHarmonizing had almost turned into a second job.  There was the constant checking of the phone to see if new emails had come in, the time spent on the eHarmony app for Android, the lunch breaks used to eat my desk and respond to ‘Must Haves and Can’t Stands’.  Wow, putting it in writing really makes me sound pathetic…  But in my own defense, they hook you!  It’s like romantic crack and they are the pusher man or something.  It’s like a virtual version of waiting for a phone call from a real man, but instead you’re waiting to get that notification email that says ‘eHarmony Communication Received!’  Come to think of it, it’s actually worse…  instead of waiting to hear from one guy, you’re waiting to hear from like 10.  Although I love the challenge involved in trying to juggle 10 different dudes (hey man, even though it’s just online, it’s like juggling-you have to remember who is who), it can start to get exhausting.  See?  Like I said, it’s these ups and downs!  “Whoo hoo!  More communication received!”  Then comes the “Wow, it’s 1:17am and I’m still online, I need SLEEP.”  So I tried to think of the slow down in daily activity as a good thing.  “Tried” being the operative word there.

So there’s the emotional rollercoaster that the site itself takes you on, and then there’s the one its subscribers takes you on.  They are different, mind you.  But equally as crazy.  Being a resident of the largest tourist trap in the country, I’ll compare it to Space Mountain at Disney’s Magic Kingdom vs. The Hulk at Universal’s Islands of Adventure.  One keeps you in the dark and is old and shaky, albeit tried and true.  The other catapults you right off the bat into the sunlight at 55 mph.  Space Mountain is of course the actual men.  The whole ‘keeping you in the dark’, ‘shaky’ reference…  C’mon ladies, I know you’re with me!  This ride generally begins with this whole Guided Communication thing.  Technically you can start with what they call an ‘Icebreaker’, but that seems to be a little more timid.  Almost like sending a friend in to feel out the whole situation and see if it’s safe.  Not that I haven’t been a chicken shit and thrown a couple icebreakers at guys to test the waters, because I totally have.  Actually, I think my success rate at that one is only about 20%.  But I digress.  So there are 4 stages to this Guided Communication, they are as follows:

1)   5 Questions – You send someone 5 multiple choice questions (or they send them to you) from a list of 30 or so that eHarmony has no doubt carefully crafted.  Once the receiver answers, they then send their own 5 questions back.

2)   Must Haves/Can’t Stands – At some point during the initial filling out of the questionnaire, you choose 10 things that you “Must Have” in a relationship partner, and 10 things that you “Can’t Stand”.  I’m a little fuzzy on when exactly I chose these things, as like I stated previously, there were cocktails involved in that questionnaire experience.  But at least they give you an opportunity to change them.  So assuming you aren’t revolted by the responses you’ve gotten to the initial 5 questions, you exchange these Must Haves/Can’t Stands.

3)   3 Questions – If the multiple choice responses to the first questions are acceptable, and you feel like you align with the other person’s Must Haves/Can’t Stands, then you move onto the 3 open-ended questions.  Again, from a list that eHarmony gives you, OR you can create your own.  These open ended questions give you the opportunity to respond free-form, in your own words.

4)   eHarmony Mail – If the other 3 stages seem to have produced desirable results, then Congratulations!  You have made it to the fourth and final stage of Guided Communication-email.  Here’s where the rubber meets the road.  Can this person actually hold a conversation, in writing?

I’d generally be against something like Guided Communication, as it doesn’t force you to think for yourself as much as one probably should.  But I was essentially flying blind, so I appreciated the road map.  The problem here lies in the waiting for a response. 

Example #1 – Paul, 35, Winter Springs sends me 5 questions.  I check out the profile, he’s pretty cute!  What a great ego boost!  Cute guy wants to chat!  And at first glance, he seems to be at least intelligent enough to warrant a response.  So I answer his 5 questions, and send him mine.  So I’m kinda excited here!  He must find me attractive enough to want to strike up a conversation, or something on my ­profile told him we might have enough in common to at least start the whole “getting to know you better” process!  But then… nothing.  No response.  Zip, zilch, nada.  What happened?!  Did I say something wrong?  Technically, I didn’t even say anything.  I answered B, then C, then D, then A, then C again.  There was no actual speaking involved, how could I have said something wrong?  Is it because I answered that I’d prefer to vacation at an all inclusive resort in Hawaii as opposed to camping in Montana?

Example #2 – Jeffrey, 29, Maitland and I seem to be getting along swimmingly, we’ve made it all the way through stage 3 in just a week!  Obviously I can’t send him a response to something the same day he sends it to me, I wouldn’t want to look desperate, of course.  Have to keep them on the edge of their seats, right?  Play it cool, Meg, play it cool.  So I dig his responses to my 3 questions, he seems to have put a fair amount of thought into them, which is great!  And I put together my most honest, yet witty and fabulous responses to his 3 questions, thoughtfully taking into account a couple of key items on his profile which caught my eye – ideally showing my interest and insightfulness.  But then…  you guessed it!  Nothing.  No response, no Stage 4.  This one seemed so promising!  He said one of the things he likes to do on a day off is check out the food trucks at Lake Lily!  I LOVE the food trucks at Lake Lily!  We could have totally done that together!  Waaaaaaahhhhhhh!!!

So as you can see, it’s a constant guessing game, and a series of highs and lows.  No, I’m not really going to cry at the lack of someone’s  response to my icebreaker, or the fact that Steve, 36, Orlando hasn’t sent me his 3 questions – even though he had killer blue eyes and dimples for days, and his occupation was listed as “Physician”.  I recognize that I’m not for everyone.  In all reality, it’s actually pretty neat to be able to nix the duds before actually having to spend an awkward evening with them as they wax poetically about their deep love of science fiction television shows and life long goal of learning to speak Klingon.  The Guided Communication isn’t generally that obvious, but it does allow for, in many instances, enough insight to determine if someone just isn’t going to be a good fit.  I suppose it takes a little more investigation to determine if someone is actually a good fit, but at least this provides some process of elimination.  And as hopeless a romantic as I may be, I’m a realist.  I understand that just as art imitates life, online dating imitates the face to face version… at least in these initial stages.  There is just as much a chance of meeting someone and giving them your phone number, waiting by the phone for 4 days in anxious anticipation, calling your service provider just to make sure that there isn’t anything wrong with the cell towers in your area only to never ever get a call, as there is in responding to someone’s 5 Questions only to never have them respond to yours.  Thank God I’m a fairly well adjusted person who has gone into this whole thing with a clear head and a reasonable attitude… for now anyway.  Now if/when I actually start really dating someone of interest, and the rollercoaster turns into more of a Dueling Dragons, fire vs. ice scenario (that’s another one at the Universal theme park here in Orlando), there’s really no telling.  You think the whole thing is amusing now, when it all just exists in cyber space?  Oh, just wait until it starts getting real – that’s when the neurosis is bound to come out!